Seeing you.

     It’s funny how I saw you today. We were in the same room together; just a couple of feet away from each other. Breathing the same air, seeing the same things. It’s funny how all I wanted to do was touch you. All I wanted was to be in your arms again. I know you just don’t care about me anymore. I saw it in your eyes; with the petty look you gave me. As you make your way under the spotlight and ask everyone else how they’ve been, you seem so interested in everyone else except me. You don’t ask how I’ve been, or what I’m up to. You just barely nod your head and keep on going. You sit right in front of me and I start wondering about you. Are you well? How’s life? Are you really happy without me? If you’re a hundred percent happy, then I’ll be happy too. If your happiness is being away from me, I promise you love I’ll keep my distance, just so I could see that radiant smile of yours. I study your face intently, and start asking myself where I went wrong. Was it wrong of me to love you more than anything in the world? Was it wrong of me to place you above everyone else? Was it wrong of me to trust you? Those were questions I’d never get answers to. I sighed and looked around the room. No one seemed to notice that were no longer together. No one even bothered to ask us why were not sitting next to each other like we always did. No one asked why were not talking, no one said anything about us, as if we never existed. Did they move on? Or did they know that we’d never be together? Someone in the room said something funny, you chuckled and tapped your fingers on your knee; a thing you always do when I say something funny.

I didn’t regret coming here tonight, I didn’t think I’d see you, but I thank god I did. I missed your beautiful face so much. It’s funny how with all the pain your causing me, all I want to do is kiss you. I want to feel your lips run on mine again. I want to be showered with your warmth as you run your hands all over my sides. I want to feel you breathe out tenderly on my neck like you always do. I want you so badly I could scream it out loud.

The place was getting less crowded and he got a phone call and went to finish it up in the other room. Was it jealousy that was choking me? Or was it the all the pain suffocating me?  I wanted to check for myself. I followed him and stood in the hallway. Mama taught me never to eavesdrop; she always said that whatever I’d hear would be bad for me.

Mama is always right.

“Yes baby, I’m leaving soon. I can’t wait to see you either. No no, I’ll pick you up and we’ll go together. I love you too sweetheart.”

That’s all I heard. That was all enough for me. I took the nearest chair and threw myself on it. I buried my face in my hands and breathed heavily.

So it was true? You left me for her. Well, they all said you would but you always told me you wouldn’t. You promised me I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I trusted you and let the whole world out. I loved you. I still do.

My heart was beating fast; I could feel it beat out of my chest. My throat was dry and my eyes were starting to sting. I’m not going to cry, I told myself. I’m not going to let him hurt me anymore. I’m not going to show him how weak I am. I threw my head back and rested it on the wall. Minutes later he came out of the room. He looked at me plainly, and studied my facial expression. He didn’t smile nor frown, he just shrugged and passed in front of me; burning a much wider hole in my heart.

What happened next was nothing I could control. I got up and followed him out to his car. He just stood there waiting for the fight to begin.

“Does she make you happy?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Is she taking good care of you? Is she giving you everything you want? Is she always there beside you? Does she comfort you whenever you need it? Does she sweet-talk you? Does love you?”

He nodded to all my questions.

I took a deep breath, “Do you love her?”

“More than anything in the world,” he replied coldly.

I nodded and my tears began over-flowing. I walked closer to him, “Please tell her that I say she’s the luckiest person on earth to have you. Please tell her I say she should take care of you. Please tell her that she shouldn’t lose you or fight with you. Please tell her to treat you like your two seconds out the door. Please tell her that she should love you with all her being and energy, because you don’t deserve anything less than that.”

“Sure, I’ll let her know,” and he got into his car and drove away.

The love of my life drove away right in front of me, and I just stood there watching. I just stood there in the dark night as a little defenseless, vulnerable brokenhearted girl. I don’t know why I still love him, when there are other guys who would kill to have me. Although there are so many reasons for me to hate him, I’m so blind I can’t see them. As handsome as he is, I guess beauty fell for the beast. 

Come back.

       Why wont you leave my thoughts? Why are you haunting me day and night? Please leave me and let me be. You’re like an infestation, taking over every inch of my mind. You’re like a deadly virus that’s slowly killing me each day. My immune system has gone weak, and you’re destroying me by doing nothing at all. I see you in the shadows and in the air. Your scent is like carbon monoxide, it keeps flowing and suffocating me everywhere I turn, it’s the only thing I breathe. Leave me. But you already did. Please leave my mind and heart. I’m your prisoner; release me. Stop moving me. Why did you disappear and leave me a load of pain to endure. It’s not fair. Come back and fix what you broke. I can’t stop thinking of you. It’s your smile that’s lingering in my mind. It’s your touch that I can still feel creeping up my back. It’s your words that still move me. It’s your stare that makes my heart race. It’s your body that thrills me.

Now you’re gone, and that’s what tears me. Your love for me is fading with time, a fact I am sure of. But my love for you is everlasting. Now you’ve casted a shadow over my heart. Come back immediately, there are some words that were left unspoken. You hurt me, caused me pain, broke a child’s heart and now I’m gone beyond repair.

But I want you back. I want you by my side; I want you now and forever more. You want to scar me each and everyday? Be my guest, its better to feel something than feel nothing at all. Loving you is what I did best. Please come back. Come back to me? I’m not done with you nor will I ever be. Yes, I’m stronger now but I can never get over you; I don’t want to. Come and wipe my tears away like you always do? Come and whisper words of love into my ear and take my sorrows away. To say that I have missed you is an understatement. I don’t think you understand the amount of pain your causing me. Yes, you’re the reason behind my tears, but I don’t care. I stopped caring anymore. You hurt me a million times, but who’s counting? People have told me to wake up and give up and that your never coming back. But I will still try, even if I have to sell my soul to the devil just to have you back, I’ll do that in a heartbeat. People have asked if I hated you? Hated you for all the misery you put me through, but I can never hate you. It’s out of the question. Everyday when I wake up, a piece of my heart dies and another piece misses you terribly.

Please come back before it gets too late. 

Just another discussion.

           For a second he was making sense and so was I. But then his loud voice filled the emptiness of the room, like a football stadium with a really loud audience all shouting at one time. I was sitting down on the bed and he was standing right in front of me. His face was red and his body was stiff he kept on shouting and cussing and I looked at him with teary eyes. Who was this man standing in front of me, I thought to myself. I don’t think he realized he was shouting until I backed away. I breathed deeply and he fell quiet. Both of us stood looking into each other’s eyes. His eyes were blood red from screaming mine were blood red from crying. He came closer and tried to embrace me. I pushed him away; I couldn’t see myself in his arms. I couldn’t see him, not because of my blurry vision, but because he himself was not there. It was as if in the midst of our discussion, Satan came and took over him. He gave me his hand; I shook my head and headed for the door. Crying my life out, I was a mess. My eyes were red and puffy, my face was drained, and I had mascara smeared all over my cheekbones. But I didn’t care, I had to leave his house and go look for him because the love of my life would never yell, shout or cuss at me.

I stood out on the dark street, it was three in the morning and I didn’t know where to go. I stood there in the cold bitter night, hugging myself and trying to hold my body from shivering. I didn’t realize that the only thing I had on was a nightshirt. Moments later, I felt his giant arms around my waist as he pulled me close to him. Not a word left my lips but my tears spoke for me. He held my face and I was prepared for his goodbye, but he kissed my forehead and whispered into my ears, “I’m sorry sweetheart. I didn’t know what came over me, I just couldn’t stand the idea of you gone.”

I breathed heavily and looked deeply into his eyes, “I’d never leave you, not even if they forced me to.”

He pressed his lips on mine, and sucked out all my energy. He held me close to his chest and showered me with his warmth. We stood there in the cold until the sun came up upon the land waking up mankind. I rested my head on his chest and clutched on to his waist. He played with my hair and rubbed my back.

“I love you, always have and forever will.” I whispered.

“I love you so much more my angel.” He whispered back, then lifted me up in his arms and took me back inside. He laid me on the bed, and covered me with a warm duvet. He took his jacket off and seconds later he was in bed next to me. He slid his hands slowly above the sheets and placed them on my waist. Next thing I knew, he was holding me close to him and began singing the sweetest love melody. I kissed his broad chest continuously and he kissed my forehead. I cried my last tears on his shirt and drifted to sleep in his arms. He followed me and slept too. We slept close to each other, like two love birds safe in their nest, holding on to each other. Love binds them together forever and always.

One winter night.

          He came and wrapped his blue wool blanket around my shoulders then sat right in front of me. We both smiled at each other, but said nothing at all. The only sound in the room was that coming from the fireplace, the soft crackle of the fire burning up the wood. I watched as the fire ate unmercifully at the wood. The poor wooden logs, innocent victims of the fire. But the fire knows no good or evil. It starts with a tiny spark, then orange and red flames evolve and they burn their victims alive. I felt pity for the wood, but then I thought to myself, its an inanimate object, it can’t feel any pain at all, but yet again fire does wonders. I took a glance at the man in front of me; the live fire that was burning my heart and leaving a hole for everyone to see. 

         He smiled again and told me he loved me. I forced a smile and suffocated my tears. I told him I loved him too, although what I was longing for was to break down in tears, but that would seem very weak. So I swallowed my pain and my tears and began stitching the hole he burned in my heart, although he promised to stitch it for me. I couldn’t tell him that the reason my heart-burns was because of a stupid, small thing he did. To him it might seem so petty. To me, to my weak and vulnerable heart it has a thousand hurtful meanings. He cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel, I learned how to heal myself, but sometimes it’s so hard to see yourself get burned. I spaced out, and the next thing I felt was his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. His warm lips brushed against mine. His warm hands ran down my cold back. His gentle touch alleviated me. We can’t live with fire and we can’t live without it. He melted me down in seconds and I forgot what I was hurt about. He lights the flames and puts them out. I just watch them burn over and over again. 

What once was.

He walked towards me I thought. I looked left and right, but no one was there except me. He came closer; I could see the smile he had on his face. I stood there breathing in the saltiness of the ocean; wrapping my arms around myself to keep me warm. He stood inches away from me; I could see his eyes glimmer under the moonlight. A strong wind blew and I moved closer. The ocean made loud scary waves, but all I could hear was my heart beating out of my chest. He looked me in the eyes; I looked down towards the sand. He came closer and lifted my head up. I looked deep in his eyes. He pressed his warm lips on my forehead; it felt as if I was showered with hot water. He wrapped his arms around my waist; I gave in and kissed his lips softly. We stood there under the moonlight pressed on each other for a long time.

He breathed out, “I missed you.”

“Don’t leave me again, please.” I whispered back.

He held me tight, “I’m not leaving anymore I promise.”  He stroked my face and I closed my eyes, letting all my senses take him in. I stuffed my face in his chest and suffocated myself in his scent, a mixture of Marlboro and Fierce. The only sound I could hear was the sound of our heartbeats. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he held me close in his arms.

“I can’t live without you. Don’t go again please.” I whispered.

He whispered back, “I’m always going to be with you.”

He pressed his lips on my forehead, and we stood there for what felt like years with the wind blowing through my hair and his lips moving around my face. I opened my eyes to take a look at him. I was disappointed. I found myself staring at my white ceiling. I prayed that what I saw was real. I turned my face to look at him, but instead I found his bedside all made up. He was never here. He was never back. Now he’s gone forever. I felt hot tears run down my cheek. I moved to his side and stuffed my face in his pillows, hoping I’d find his scent still lingering on the sheets. I closed my eyes and cried myself back to sleep, so I can dream and see him again and again and again.